Sharing today

 ...gandang umaga...

Thought I'd share a bit today. Sending this to all of you, my friends because it's been a while. For some of you I may have shared a bit here and there kase kailangan lang to be real somehow.

Una siguro gusto kong mag-apologize. I don't think I have been completely my honest self with you. Mukhang ok pero di masyado ok. I have been winging this year, in the hopes that I will find my good and settle there.

Feels like an impostor everyday, pretending to be ok with myself but I'm not at all pleased with how everything is turning out. I still have my alarm at 430 everyday but my mind and body struggles. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, basta gising lang kahit di ko makita ang rason. May time na gumigising ako ng 3am para mag-misa, para may rason ako gumising, with the hopes the whole day will be much better, di ko rin natagalan. May rason kaya wala akong kurtina sa room so I actually see the light when it comes in the morning, to remind me of how much mornings always made me feel new so I will want to get up.

I realized I have always been fueled by inspiration, all those years being in mission. There was that fixation to it, that made me feel good about myself and in control. Even if meetings then were at 11pm or until 1am in the morning, it did not feel contrived. It felt like I was relevant. Everything was so authentic, honest and natural. And at that state, I was just being. Even in the most challenging situations (usually pag may inaayos na mga tao), I felt everything can be sorted out, because it is God's work and I just need to listen to know what to do. And He has never failed to guide me every single time. I just need to ask "what is the most loving thing to do?"

I miss that self, that part of me God has allowed me to see. I may not be seeing that person now but I'm grateful God gave me that chance so I know I'm still possible.

At some point, feeling ko kinalimutan ako ng Diyos recently. He's not activating me, decommissioned somehow. I feel like I'm not in His service when that's all I have ever wanted for the last 10 years. This explains why the last 3 years was jumping from one location to the next, with the hopes dun nako dinadala ng Diyos. I thought the farm was my last destination but that's not how God works. He will always move you so you learn something new. But, in all those new things the last 3 years, all were so uncomfortable and I did not feel I fit in somehow. I was not being.

Then the pandemic happened, and so I said this is it. I was made for crisis. This is where I can be useful. But still, no sound. I have not heard any call. Kaya sabi ko, mamili nalang ako, just choose, make a choice, all the choices are good anyway. Mabuti naman akong tao, di naman ako masama, kaya whatever choice, it will be good. I believed this for quite a while kaya sige lang, ride the tide, basta piliin ko lang magmahal, tama na yun. Then a friend shared to me Ephesians 2:10.

I did not understand what it meant but when she explained it, it made sense. God has designed us uniquely. Not everything will fit. Kahit henyo na kayang aralin kahit ano, not everything will fit. So it may not be about choice, but about design. God designed us so we can love uniquely. So now I ask myself, ano design ko? Sa anong paraan ako mas nagmamahal?

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...gandang umaga...

Ephesians 2:10. New International Version ... For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do