They're signing my heartsong

I'd just like to share with you a wonderful experience.  

I was on a retreat last weekend with the Ligaya ng Panginoon Music Ministry and I was able to share myself to them.

Maganda ang lugar, very conducive for a retreat.  It was overlooking the Taal lake.  The hangin is uber cold.  Insight:  Mahirap pa lang kumanta na nanginginig ang tiyan sa lamig.  Pero hindi yun ang sharing ko ha. ;p

Not a lot of people know I have a problem with singing.  Everyone just knows I sing, that's it.  Everytime my name would pop out in a conversation, I'd almost always be identified as someone who sings..."ah, si joni...yung kumakanta".  I have had a significant period in my life when I did not like these remarks.  I did not want to be known as someone who sings.  You can say I was at conflict my talent.

Siyempre, kung may problema, may pinagmulan.  I was in the Ateneo college Glee Club 7 years ago as a trainee.  I was with the group for a full year.  To have been admitted in the Glee club was ecstatic for me.  It meant I can sing a lot of times during the week.  It meant I can sing after class.  It meant I can be  part of beautiful singing.

Little did I know I was in for one of my biggest struggles in my life.  Being in the Glee Club meant rigid training.  Knowing the songs, knowing the notes, knowing the pitch, knowing when to come in or not, when to crescendo.  So, it was a lot.  For someone who did not have any musical background, vocal or instrument training, like myself, it was tough getting into it.  All I knew was I can sing, that was it.  I sounded good.  I felt good being able to express myself in singing.  So this was the level up.

I've heard a lot of good feedback from my conductor and members in the group.  "Joni, you sound good, you just have to watch your pitch."  This went on for sometime.  Then it became a while.  I was a loud singer and I was a sharpist (always half a note above the right note).  I did not think this was a good combination in a choir.  I tried my best to learn all the pieces.  I had  a difficult time doing it.  On top of it all, I had to maintain my scholarship.  This was my weekly schedule: 9-15 hours of Glee Club rehearsals, 18-21 hours of classes, 5-10 hours of group meetings, and 9-10 hours worth of papers, which left me a few hours to study the pieces and my subjects.  Then I came to a very dark realization:  "Bakit kase hindi ako mabilis makapag-aral ng piyesa?  May talent nga ako, hindi ko naman alam paano gamitin." Singing was my vanity.  

To add to the burden of having to adjust my singing styles, something bothered me.  Everytime the group had a singing engagement to sing at mass, I did not feel my  presence there.  We sounded really good.  The song line-up was very spirit-uplifting but  my spirit did not even take-off.  My focus was shifted from the mass to my notes, to my pitch,  to my sharps.  One of the major reasons I joined the Glee Club was I knew I can do more with my voice.  As St. Augustine would put it, "when you sing, you pray twice."  I wanted to pray twice as much.  I took very significant notice to this.  So I decided to go to mass twice.  First mass was with the Glee Club, second mass was actually attending it and no singing this time.

A point came when I grew tired of it.  Sure I wanted to perfect singing with the choir, but it meant battering my physical, emotional, and spiritual self.  I loved to sing but I had to make a choice-- to let go of it.  Then everything went void.  I gave up the one thing I loved to do most.  Then, a confusion--I did not know if I loved singing as much anymore.  Well, there were other opportunities to sing and I tried a whole lot of them.  What I guess scarred me was that I knew I was not good enough.  

Sure, I did still sing a lot after that--while working, while walking, while watching tv.  But the scar was still there.  "I love to sing."  I still said that a lot of times to myself, but the scar was there.  

A lot of Ligaya members had been asking why I was still not part of the Music Ministry then.  I made it a conscious effort not to be part of the musicmin.  Now, that I was finally getting my relationship with God back, I did not want singing to be my vanity again.  Being in a charismatic community, worship meant singing a lot.  I tried my best to focus on praying then on my singing. And I felt really relieved because I was praying and singing did not bother me as much.  

Then an opportunity came for me to be part of the Music Ministry.  The moment I was asked by the members of the musicmin, I felt very tentative about it.  I prayed about it and God wanted me to be invited.  The idea of joining the music ministry offered a chance to heal me. I took the risk.  If it meant I'll have to go to mass twice again, then I shall do it for God, if this was His way of calling me to serve.  The very first time I attended practices, I prepared myself for the possible consequences.  

The Ligaya Music Min members start practices with worship.  That very first night, the only thing I can remember me say was "God, I so miss this sound.  I never knew how much I missed being right smack in the middle of this sound until today."  What is more is that I knew these people love God so much and they have chosen to to sing to Him.  Each meeting was a blessing to me after that because I knew I will be singing with my brothers and sisters in Ligaya to God.  

God taught me to be humble.  He taught me to first pray again, and then He made me sing again. Thank you for my gift Lord.  I am singing.  I am praying.   What more can I ak for?

St. Augustine was right.  You do pray twice when you sing.  Finally, I'm praying twice!

p.s. I don't have any ill feelings toward the Glee club.  In fact, I have formed very significant relationships there.