About Me
- Joni Gail A. Morales
- Warrior of Light Online When he learns to handle his sword, he discovers that his equipment has to be complete – and that includes armor. He goes out to look for armor and hears what some vendors propose to him. "Wear the breast-plate of solitude," says one. "Wear the shield of cynicism," answers another. "The best armor is not to get involved in anything," suggests a third. The warrior, however, does not listen to them. He goes serenely to his sacred place and dons the indestructible cloak of faith. Faith softens all blows. Faith changes poison into crystal-clear water. His angel whispers to him: "Yield everything." The warrior kneels down and offers his victories to God.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Healing Begins (Tenth Avenue North)
Today, I’m reminded of very old sharing I wrote close to 5 years ago. I feel God is reminding me of how much He took care of me back then and a promise that He will always look after me, that if hiccups come, His grace will be my water, it will be enough for me. When I shared this back then, it started a healing of young teenager’s old wounds...
I was on a retreat last weekend with the Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon Music Ministry and I shared a part of myself to them. Gusto ko din sanang ibahagi ang na-i-share ko sa kanila.
Maganda ang lugar, very conducive for a retreat. It was overlooking the Taal lake. The hangin is uber cold. Insight: Mahirap pa lang kumanta na nanginginig ang tiyan sa lamig. Pero hindi yun ang sharing ko sa kanila ha. ;p
Not a lot of people know I’m a bit aversive to singing. Everyone just knows I sing, that's it. Everytime my name would pop out in a conversation, I'd almost always be identified as someone who sings..."ah, si joni...yung kumakanta" or in other occasions... "ah, si joni...yung kulot?" Kidding aside, I had a significant period in my life when I did not like to be tagged as someone who sings. You can say I was at conflict with myself.
Siyempre, kung may problema, may pinagmulan. I was in the Ateneo college Glee Club 7 years ago as a trainee. I was with the group for a full year. That was ecstatic for me! It meant I can sing a lot of times during the week. It meant I can sing after class. It meant I can be part of beautiful music.
What luck! But I was in for one of my biggest struggles in my (young) life. Being in the Glee Club meant rigid training. Knowing the songs, knowing the notes, knowing the pitch, knowing when to come in or not, when to crescendo. So, it was a lot. For someone who did not have any musical background, vocal or instrument training, like myself, it was tough getting into it. All I knew was I can sing, that was it. I sounded good. I felt good being able to express myself in singing. So this was the level up for me.
I heard a lot of good feedback from my conductor and members in the group. "Joni, you sound good, you just have to watch your pitch." This went on for sometime. Then it became frequent. I was a loud singer and I was a sharpist (always a half note above the right one). This was not a good combination in a choir. I tried my best to learn all the pieces. I had a difficult time doing it. On top of it all, I had to maintain my scholarship.
Maganda ang lugar, very conducive for a retreat. It was overlooking the Taal lake. The hangin is uber cold. Insight: Mahirap pa lang kumanta na nanginginig ang tiyan sa lamig. Pero hindi yun ang sharing ko sa kanila ha. ;p
Not a lot of people know I’m a bit aversive to singing. Everyone just knows I sing, that's it. Everytime my name would pop out in a conversation, I'd almost always be identified as someone who sings..."ah, si joni...yung kumakanta" or in other occasions... "ah, si joni...yung kulot?" Kidding aside, I had a significant period in my life when I did not like to be tagged as someone who sings. You can say I was at conflict with myself.
Siyempre, kung may problema, may pinagmulan. I was in the Ateneo college Glee Club 7 years ago as a trainee. I was with the group for a full year. That was ecstatic for me! It meant I can sing a lot of times during the week. It meant I can sing after class. It meant I can be part of beautiful music.
What luck! But I was in for one of my biggest struggles in my (young) life. Being in the Glee Club meant rigid training. Knowing the songs, knowing the notes, knowing the pitch, knowing when to come in or not, when to crescendo. So, it was a lot. For someone who did not have any musical background, vocal or instrument training, like myself, it was tough getting into it. All I knew was I can sing, that was it. I sounded good. I felt good being able to express myself in singing. So this was the level up for me.
I heard a lot of good feedback from my conductor and members in the group. "Joni, you sound good, you just have to watch your pitch." This went on for sometime. Then it became frequent. I was a loud singer and I was a sharpist (always a half note above the right one). This was not a good combination in a choir. I tried my best to learn all the pieces. I had a difficult time doing it. On top of it all, I had to maintain my scholarship.
This was my weekly schedule: 9-15 hours of Glee Club rehearsals, 18-21 hours of classes, 5-10 hours of group meetings, and 9-10 hours worth of papers, which left me a few hours to study the pieces and my subjects, not to mention I had to sleep. My parents discouraged me as well because of my scholarship. To sing became very taxing.
Then I came to a very dark realization: "Bakit kase hindi ako mabilis makapag-aral ng piyesa? May talent nga ako, hindi ko naman alam paano gamitin." I was hard on myself. I just thought I was superwoman, I expected a lot from myself so when I realized I was not what I expected "me" to be, I came crumbling down. At the back of my head probably, I wanted all the glory to be mine. Singing was my vanity.
To add to the pressure of adjusting my singing styles, something really bothered me even more. Everytime the group had a singing engagement to sing at mass, I did not feel myself there. We sounded really good, yeah. The song line-up was very spirit-uplifting but my spirit remained where it was-inside, not uplifted at all. It did not even take-off.
To add to the pressure of adjusting my singing styles, something really bothered me even more. Everytime the group had a singing engagement to sing at mass, I did not feel myself there. We sounded really good, yeah. The song line-up was very spirit-uplifting but my spirit remained where it was-inside, not uplifted at all. It did not even take-off.
My spirit was not in the mass because much of my focus was shifted from the mass to my notes, to my pitch, to my sharps because I knew I had to put a lot of effort into it. I envied the other members because I really see them singing but still able to pay attention to the mass at the same time. The only time I felt the mass and the music at the same time was when I was not singing at all, just listening. The moment I sing, my presence, my focus for the mass disappears.
One of the major reasons I joined the Glee Club was I knew I can do more with my gift. As St. Augustine would put it, "when you sing, you pray twice." I wanted to pray twice as much so this bothered me significantly. So I decided to go to mass twice...to compensate. First mass-with the Glee Club, second mass-actually attending it with no singing for me. If only I sang as perfectly, I will not find it hard to pay attention also at mass.
A point came when I grew tired of it. Sure I wanted to sound really good with the choir, but it meant battering my physical, emotional, and spiritual self. I loved to sing but I had to make a choice-- to let go of it.
A point came when I grew tired of it. Sure I wanted to sound really good with the choir, but it meant battering my physical, emotional, and spiritual self. I loved to sing but I had to make a choice-- to let go of it.
Then everything went empty. I gave up the one thing I loved to do most. Then I got confused--I did not know if I loved singing as much anymore. If I sing, it will only exhaust me - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Well, there were other opportunities to sing and I tried a whole lot of them but I continued to not sing at masses. What I guess scarred me was that I knew I was not good enough to use it...most especially for God.
Sure, I did still sing a lot after that--while working, while walking, while watching tv. But the scar was still there-"I was not good enough". "I love to sing"--I still said that a lot of times to myself, but the scar was there.
When I was invited to attend a Catholic charismatic community, Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon, and started to become a regular, some members asked me why I was not singing with the Music Ministry then. Actually, I made it a conscious effort not to be part of the musicmin. Now that I was finally getting my relationship with God back through Ligaya, I did not want singing to be my vanity again. My priority was to be able to pray. Being in a charismatic community, worship meant singing a lot though so I tried my best to focus on praying to God first, and singing was just a support. And I felt really relieved because I was praying again and singing did not bother me as much anymore.
Then an opportunity came for me to be part of the Music Ministry. When I was asked by some members of the musicmin, I felt very tentative about it. I prayed about it and I felt God wanted me to be invited. The idea of joining the music ministry offered a chance to heal me. I took the risk. If it meant I'll have to go to mass twice again, then I shall do it for God-if this was His way of calling me to serve. The very first time I attended practices, I prepared myself for the possible consequences- -for the scar to wound me again.
The Ligaya Music Min members start practices with worship. That very first night, the only thing I can remember myself saying was "God, I so miss this sound. I never knew how much I missed being right smack in the middle of this sound until today." The music soothed my heart because I knew these people loved God so much and they have chosen to sing for Him rather than for themselves so I told myself "I'll set my concerns aside and choose to serve God just as they did". Each meeting was a blessing to me after that because I knew I will be singing with my brothers and sisters in Ligaya to God. God became my starting point and it started to heal me. All the GLORY be to God.
Sometimes I still don't want to be tagged as someone who sings but God gave me a choice to heal-to sing for Him above everythingelse. God showed me humility. He taught me to pray again, and then He made me sing again. Thank you for my gift Lord. I am singing. I am praying. What more can I ask for?
St. Augustine was right. You do pray twice when you sing. Finally, I'm praying twice!
p.s.
one of my best friends still sings with the Glee Club...now called the Ateneo Chamber singers (alumni group)...i'm glad we can both do and live doing the thing we love to do most.Ü
Sure, I did still sing a lot after that--while working, while walking, while watching tv. But the scar was still there-"I was not good enough". "I love to sing"--I still said that a lot of times to myself, but the scar was there.
When I was invited to attend a Catholic charismatic community, Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon, and started to become a regular, some members asked me why I was not singing with the Music Ministry then. Actually, I made it a conscious effort not to be part of the musicmin. Now that I was finally getting my relationship with God back through Ligaya, I did not want singing to be my vanity again. My priority was to be able to pray. Being in a charismatic community, worship meant singing a lot though so I tried my best to focus on praying to God first, and singing was just a support. And I felt really relieved because I was praying again and singing did not bother me as much anymore.
Then an opportunity came for me to be part of the Music Ministry. When I was asked by some members of the musicmin, I felt very tentative about it. I prayed about it and I felt God wanted me to be invited. The idea of joining the music ministry offered a chance to heal me. I took the risk. If it meant I'll have to go to mass twice again, then I shall do it for God-if this was His way of calling me to serve. The very first time I attended practices, I prepared myself for the possible consequences- -for the scar to wound me again.
The Ligaya Music Min members start practices with worship. That very first night, the only thing I can remember myself saying was "God, I so miss this sound. I never knew how much I missed being right smack in the middle of this sound until today." The music soothed my heart because I knew these people loved God so much and they have chosen to sing for Him rather than for themselves so I told myself "I'll set my concerns aside and choose to serve God just as they did". Each meeting was a blessing to me after that because I knew I will be singing with my brothers and sisters in Ligaya to God. God became my starting point and it started to heal me. All the GLORY be to God.
Sometimes I still don't want to be tagged as someone who sings but God gave me a choice to heal-to sing for Him above everythingelse. God showed me humility. He taught me to pray again, and then He made me sing again. Thank you for my gift Lord. I am singing. I am praying. What more can I ask for?
St. Augustine was right. You do pray twice when you sing. Finally, I'm praying twice!
p.s.
one of my best friends still sings with the Glee Club...now called the Ateneo Chamber singers (alumni group)...i'm glad we can both do and live doing the thing we love to do most.Ü
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